Please know that the purpose of this blog is NOT to make anyone feel bad for me. Rather, it is to shed light on my own personal experiences with infertility, miscarriage, and more. It is to let the readers know that, if you are in a similar boat, you are not alone and there is still hope amidst the darkness! If you are currently pregnant, congratulations! What exciting news! You have every right to enjoy this season and to celebrate the wins along the way. I have already had that wonderful opportunity once before. I simply hope to experience it again.  I am going to be ok, even if it means working through some difficult emotions. Thank you all for taking the time to read through my stories.

Next steps.

I’m going to try to keep this short(er) as it’s more of an update than anything else. I found out on Friday that even with the medication I was on, I didn’t ovulate at all this cycle. It’s not the first time that it’s happened, but it certainly threw off my plans and shattered my […]

Light beyond the darkness.

Yesterday marked 6 months since one of the worst days of my life. September 24, 2020. I had been sooooo excited about seeing my baby on the ultrasound screen. About hearing a heartbeat—or perhaps even two! The thoughts that swirled around my head at that time were along the lines of “how many are in […]

A toddler in His hands

I met with a friend the other day and, of course, the topic of having babies came up. My almost-three-year old daughter heard part of the conversation, so when I put her down for a nap, she asked if my friend had a baby in her tummy. I told her, “not yet, but we can […]

Yet another disappointment

I don’t even know what to say anymore. At the moment, I just feel numb. I’m tired of hoping. In fact, my hope-o-meter is returning low levels of hope right now. Do I believe that I will get pregnant and God will give us more children, as I believe He has promised? Yes. I believe […]

Hurting people feel isolated

What do you do when God doesn’t give you the answer you wanted or expected? Well, I certainly don’t have the perfect answer for that! But, here’s what I have to say about what I have been going through. Excuse my candor, but it completely sucks to walk through suffering with no end in sight…and […]

Update 1.22.21

For those of you who read my last post, you must be wondering if I got a positive pregnancy test for my birthday. Unfortunately… No. All tests thus far have been as negative as they come. My eyes have squinted so much this past week, trying to make out a line where there is none. […]

Round 1, To Be Determined

My birthday is two days away and I keep thinking to myself that, either this will be a really special day, or it will be another sad day to write about in my journal. Why? Well it’s not because I’m aging another year, no. Definitely not for that reason. But rather, because that’s when a […]

It’s so hard…

Sometimes you just need a good kick in the butt to move forward, even though it hurts and catches you off guard. That is what happened almost two weeks ago. It’s been almost 2 ½ months since my surgery and I’ve stubbornly placed my own expectations on God and been met with disappointment…over and over […]

In the spirit of Thanksgiving…

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I’ve been thinking a lot about what I have to be grateful for this year. When I look back on 2020, I have overwhelmingly negative feelings about it. I began this year with high hopes as I met with my doctor on January 9th to start the process of trying to […]

In Limbo

Impatiently waiting. In limbo. Confused. Hopeful. Depressed. Frustrated. These are a few ways I would describe how I’ve been feeling lately. Originally, my doctor had said that I could expect a period 4 weeks after the procedure, and then we could move forward with the fertility treatments to try for another baby. Shortly after the […]

The grief of infertility

I can’t tell you the last time I finished an entire book over the last several years. Sad… I know. But for some reason, I tend to read bits and pieces of a book and then put it aside and forget about it. However, ever since the miscarriage, I have been on a reading kick. […]

Where is my focus

On September 20th, we had been discussing our travel plans for a few weeks already, trying to decide if we should still go to Florida to visit family, or if we should postpone the trip until after the baby was born. With everything going on since March, I was worried about being pregnant and traveling. […]

God’s faithfulness through Summer

Back when I was 23, I had an interesting experience with God. James and I were staying with some friends and family for a wedding, and I had literally been sitting on the toilet downstairs (awkward, right!?) praying for babies, perhaps pouring out my heart to God—I don’t remember the whole experience to be honest—but […]

3 weeks after the loss

It’s been 3 weeks exactly since I had the D&C surgery where doctors removed Taylor’s body. 21 days filled with a lot of emotion. But, I’ve come a long way since that day. Over the last few days, I have been feeling more like my old self. I am no longer finding myself in tears […]

“Mommy’s tummy getting bigger”

Today was a good day, overall. I felt more like me! I was able to enjoy my family, the weather, and the activities almost as much as I would have before the miscarriage. But, there were still reminders that popped up here and there. For instance, Summer and I were talking and she touched my […]

But why, God?

I’ve put a lot of thought into what happened with Taylor. I’ve asked God the question of why…why did it have to happen this way? I’ve even so much as asked Him, “why did you DO this to me?” It seems so cruel. Why even give me a glimpse of this baby and take him/her […]

“There are no words”

I must sound like a beating drum of sadness, but I don’t only have sadness to share. It’s all just a part of my story. And truthfully…all of this is still fresh. I am still in a process of grieving a loss—a very new process. There is so much running around my head at the […]

A chemical pregnancy

Another hard day. I’ve been crying…more like sobbing. Just when I think the pain is more distant, it comes crashing down again. At the most unexpected moments. Reflecting back on July, that was our 3rd cycle on the Femara medication (to induce ovulation) this year. I was certain it would work this time… it had […]

A story of miscarriage

Today is a hard day. As I laid in bed last night, and all throughout this morning, I reflected on the events of September 24th. I was supposed to be 9 weeks pregnant going into that appointment, my first OB appointment where I would get to hear the heartbeat and watch the baby move about […]

A little bit about me…

I’ll try to keep this somewhat shorter than a novel. From an outsider’s perspective, my life probably looks picture perfect. I have a wonderful husband who loves me deeply and a beautiful little girl who brings joy to our world. However, they didn’t come easy…at all. And still, I long for more. My heart’s desire […]

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